I often find myself looking through pictures from times years back. They give me mixed emotions: seeing a younger version of me having fun, and remembering it is lovely, but at the same time knowing that in a few years time that little girl would get ill, and stay ill, for who knows how long.
Seeing pictures from when I was younger does help put a smile on my face though. I guess I am pretty sentimental, I like to keep pictures of happy times around me to keep me remembering that these times do happen. We recently redecorated my room, which meant the many printed and cut out pictures blu-tacked onto my wall had to come down. Predominantly those were pictures of things I liked, or me and my friends, but more recently I’d realised that if I were putting up pictures like those now, they’d be different ones. Obviously as I’ve grown older my interests and favourite things have changed, but more importantly most of the people on there used to be close friends, but had since stopped talking to me. I still do have maybe one or two best friends, but many of the people who were close are now slowly fading out of the picture. And that’s okay, they’re gone now. It’s easy to think that my illness has taken them away from me and be sad about that but to be honest if someone is going to leave just because I’m unable to do the things they can, so be it. I don’t want them in my life (it’s a waste of my precious energy haha).
That doesn’t stop me from looking back at these memories and smiling though. Although my life is a lot different now, and I wouldn’t be in any of the places pictured above without my wheelchair, I can still look back and see that I was blessed to have such a lovely childhood - and I know that technically I’m still a child in a lot of places, but it feels different now, I’ve had to become more mature because of my illness.
I’m okay though. I can still enjoy myself from time to time, and though it always takes a lot of my energy and often causes me to be bedbound for the couple of days after. I know that I miss out on a lot of things, but I’m also still lucky enough to enjoy (for the most part) the family holidays and other smaller things every so often.
This is kind of rambly and probably doesn’t make sense, but I wanted this blog to be somewhere I could look back on in years to come and remember what I was like at 16. This post’s more for me than anyone else, haha.